Moment Jokes / Recent Jokes
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that more...
An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening, "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend." "That sounds fine," she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a. m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, "Mind if I play along?" The exec. said, "Fine. Glad to have the company." All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle. "Whoa," he said. "That's a high powered rifle!" more...
Twas the night before Chirstmas
And all through the house
Everybody felt crappy
Even the mouse,
Mom at the whorehouse
And dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
For a nice piece of Ass,
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
To see what was the matter,
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big d***
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick,
He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
The sucker had fell,
He filled all our stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber d***
For my brother the queer,
He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son of B****
Blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed
As he road out of sight
Piss on you all
And have a Hell of a Night!
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. ''What are you going to do with the prize money?'' the officer asked. The man responded, ''I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license.'' At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, ''Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk.'' This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, ''I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car.'' At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked ''Are we over the border yet?''
The warden of the prison walked into Death Row and stopped in front of one of the cells.
He said to the inmate, "I'm sorry but the Governor has rejected your plea for clemency and the execution will have to go forward. Do you have any last wishes or requests?"
The prisoner thought a moment and he said, "I would like to do the Macarena one last time before I die."
They agreed that this was a reasonable last request. He stopped in front of another cell. "I'm sorry but your plea for clemency was rejected as well and we will have to execute you after him. Do you have any last wishes or requests?"
The second condemned man looked at the first prisoner for a moment and then said, "Could you PLEASE kill me first?"
'Twas The Night Before Christmas
And All Through The House
Everybody Felt Shitty
Even The Mouse.
Dad's At the Whorehouse
And Mom's Smoking Grass
I'd Just Settled Down
For A Warm Piece Of Ass.
When Out On The Lawn
I Heard Such A Clatter
I Sprung For My Piece
To See What Was The Matter.
Then Out On The Lawn
I Saw A Big Red Dick. I Knew
In A Moment It Must
Be Saint Nick.
He Came Down The Chimney
Like A Bat Out Of Hell
I Knew In A Moment
The Fucker Had Fell.
He Filled All Our Stockings
With Pretzels And Beer
And A Big Rubber Dick
For My Brother The Queer.
He Shot Up The Chimney
With A Thunderous Fart
The Son Of A Bitch
Blew The Chimney Apart.
He Swore And He Cursed
As He Rode Out Of Sight
Piss On You All
And Have A Hell Of A Night!"