Monday Jokes / Recent Jokes

Agents of three insurance companies were discussing the performance of their companies. First agent: our client died on
Monday, we came to know on tuesday and released his insurance on wednesday. Second agent: our client died on monday, we came
To know on the same day and released his insurance on tuesday. Third agent: our office is on the 20th floor of wtc, our
Client was painting the building on the 84th floor, he fell from there and we gave his insurance cheque while he passed our
Floor.

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme." Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and more...

Seems this guy has a habit of calling in on Monday morning, with the complaint, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two guys. We don't want to lose him. "So the boss calls the guy into his office. "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a really good worker and I don't want to fire you. What's the problem, what can we do to help? Is it drugs? Alcohol? "The guy stutters a bit, then grimaces and sighs. "Nah," the man says, "I don't drink or do drugs. But, well, my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then he beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, she calls me crying, and I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, we're having sex." "What!?" his boss yells. "You have sex with your sister?" more...

A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning. He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by thenext Monday. "Downsizing." He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and itdoesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying tofigure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jillstanding at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to beone of them." He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does. Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He'sin a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have tothink about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack andJill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye." Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everythingokay?" He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. Ican't decide more...

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!

WASHINGTON, DC - Frustrated by failed attempts to turn public support away from the president, congress today announced it would begin releasing completely fabricated documents and videotapes on Monday. Speaker Newt Gingrich addressed the press at the Capitol this morning. "We feel that with the release of all the documents from the Starr Inquisition, and the public still supporting the president, we need to take further steps in our neverending goal of overturning the 1992 and 1996 elections. On Monday morning, we will release a diary of President Clinton's in which he claims to have had dinner with Adolf Hitler, Ayatolla Khomeni and Saddam Hussein, and later slept with them in the Lincoln Bedroom. He also claims in the diary,' Meat is murder, I am a communist, Die Capitalist Die!' We will also release a doctored videotape showing the president strangling a litter of small kittens." A CNN/Newsweek poll following the press conference showed a slight rise in the president's more...

A guy works at a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her."
The boss says, "You screw your more...