Monday Jokes / Recent Jokes

A journalist who saw videotape of the Monday hangings of Saddam Hussein's half-brother and the dictator's former chief judge has described how one of the men was decapitated.New York Times reporter John F. Burns told CNN's Wolf Blitzer Monday evening that Barzan Hassan's head "just snapped off," because he was apparently given too much rope and fell too far -- about eight feet -- for a man of his medium build and weight.
Barzan Hassan was a former chief of the secret police and Hussein's half-brother- well, now more like two-fifths.

There were these three nuns that wanted the weekend off from being so holy. So they went up to the high priest and asked him for the day off. The priest said it was alright as long as they came back on Monday and told him what they did. The nuns agreed and scurried off. On Monday the nuns came back and went to the priest. The first nun was in confession and said to the priest, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asked her what she had done. "I ran down my street naked" The priest shakes his head ad looks at the nun and says "Go drink some holy water and say the Our Father 10 times. The nun obeys. Then third nun starts to snicker. The secnd nun goes into the room and says "forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest looks at her and says " What did you do?" "I watched a pornographich movie" The priests shakes his head and looks at the nun. "Go drink some holy water and then come back and say 20 Our more...

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."
So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!"
"I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into avery posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellowexclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeousfull-length coat.As the lady tries it on, the furrierdiscreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.""No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shopowner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your checkhas cleared."So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!""I just had to come by,"grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

A man goes to his doctor and says. "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them.
The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor says "What happened"?
The man answered "Nobody Showed UP!"

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

. .. O... o

. .. and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", more...

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show
the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes
in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir
that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on
Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."

So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is
outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in
your checking account!"

"I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful
weekend of my life!"