Monday Jokes / Recent Jokes

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you`ll get`em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Valentine`s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you`d get the day off to go drinking. Mother`s Day too.
St. Patrick`s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Garbage would take itself out.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
Instead of "beer-belly", you`d get "beer-biceps".
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Two words..."Ally McNaked".
When a cop gave you a more...

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face." "He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!" "You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
__
/
\__/
O
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to
the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor I more...

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning.He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by thenext Monday. "Downsizing."He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and itdoesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying tofigure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jillstanding at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to beone of them."He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He'sin a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have tothink about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack andJill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye."Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everythingokay?"He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. Ican't decide if I more...

It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!

FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.

FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and more...

God and the ComputerIn the beginning there was the computer. And God typed: %>Let there be light! #Please login. %>login God #Password?. %>Omniscient #Password incorrect. Try again. %>Omnipotent #Password incorrect. Try again. %>Technocrat #And God logged on at 12: 01: 00 AM, Sunday, March 1. %>Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %>Create light #Done %>Run heaven_and_earth #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12: 02: 00 AM, Sunday, March 1. #And God logged on at 12: 01: 00 AM, Monday, March 2. %>Let there be firmament in the midst of waters dividing the waters which are under and above the firmament #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %>Create firmament #Done. %>Run firmament #And God created the heaven. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12: 02: 00 AM, Monday, March 2. #And God logged on at 12: 01: 00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. %>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and more...