Money Jokes / Recent Jokes

Stosh and Stan were recently laid off when they decided to rob a bank. They planned for weeks so that everything would go smoothly when the heist took place. Stosh's job was to crack open the safe and detain the manager and Stan's job was to grab the money from the safe and the teller windows.
When the robbery took place, Stan gathered up all the money from the tellers but when he got to the safe, it was all tied up and the manager had a strange look on his face.
"STOSH!" Stan cried out. "I said BLOW THE SAFE and TIE UP THE MANAGER."
(For those of non-Polish descent, Stosh and Stan are well known "old world" Polish names)

Two Irish lovers are sitting on a bench, in a park. They are holding hands,
but the lady is nervously twisting her hands.
Mary: "Patrick. I have something to tell you."
Patrick: "Well, what's on your mind? You know you can tell me everything."
Mary: "It's so terrible."
Patrick: "You know you can trust me. What is it?"
Mary: "Well, it was a few years ago. Father lost his job, and no money
in sight.."
Patrick: "So, what is it?"
Mary: "Oh. We were so desperate. For some time I had to turn... prostitute!"
Patrick: "WHAT!"
Mary: "We needed the money so bad!"
Patrick: "There is no good reason for this! Endangering your very soul!
How could you? YOU! Mary, this is more than I can stand!"
Mary: "Not you, Pat! No! I thought you'd understand. I thought you could
still love me, even though I had been a whore."
Patrick: more...

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.
It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you".
He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.
He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time".
She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me"

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other " hey how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?" pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don't know, go ask him." So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?" The supervisor says "Intelligence". Guido says "what is this intelligence?" The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my hand as hard as you can!" Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor says "That's intelligence". Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and his co-worker says "Hey what did he say?" With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his face and says "hita my hand as hard as you more...

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.