Money Jokes / Recent Jokes

I cross ocean, poor and broke. Take bus, see employment folk. Nice man treat me good in there. Say I need to see welfare. Welfare say,' You come no more, We send cash right to your door.' Welfare checks, they make you wealthy, Medicaid it keep you healthy! By and by, I get plenty money, Thanks to you, American dummy. Write to friends in motherland, Tell them' come fast as you can.' They come in turbans and Ford trucks, I buy big house with welfare bucks They come here, we live together, More welfare checks, it gets better! Fourteen families, they moving in, But neighbor's patience wearing thin. Finally, white guy moves away, Now I buy his house, and then I say,' Find more aliens for house to rent.' And in the yard I put a tent. Send for family they just trash, But they, too, draw the welfare cash! Everything is very good, And soon we own the neighborhood. We have hobby it's called breeding, Welfare pay for baby feeding. Kid's need dentist? Wife's need pills? We get free! We got no more...

This young husband realizes he has made a mistake marrying his wife and decides to have her offed for her insurance. Through a friend of a friend, the young husband locates "Artie" who has done these contracts before.
Artie meets with the young husband and Artie agrees to do the job for $10,000 with $5,000 upfront. The husband says he doesn't have that kind of money now but will when he collects the insurance money. Artie says he still wants something. What's in his wallet? The young husband pulls out his wallet and shows Artie a dollar. Artie takes the dollar as the down payment.
Artie tails the wife and follows her into the produce section of a grocery store. Thinking they're alone, Artie approaches the wife and chokes her to death. A produce worker comes up having seen the whole thing. Not wanting to leave any witnesses, Artie chokes him to death, too. Unbeknownst to Artie, this is all captured on the in-store camera. Artie is caught. The headlines the next day more...

These are from actual resumes: "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability." "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap." "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich." "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." "Number of dependents: 40." "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various." RESUME BLOOPERS "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous." "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions." REASONS FOR LEAVING MY more...

(Age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
(Age 32)
1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more then he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry all the groceries wit hease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers anniversaries
10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week
(Age 42)
1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch line of more...

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money on bar. He asks the bartender what it is for, the bartender tells him about the pub challenge. The man asks what he has to do and the bartender says "
Well, firstly you have to cut your thumb with a rusty knife, then you have to pull a tooth out of the angry dog in the back, lastly you have to have sex with that old woman in the corner."
The man decides not to do it and so continues drinking. After a few drinks he decides he will try the challenge and so he puts the money in the jar. He walks over to the rusty knife and cuts his thumb. He walks out to the back to do the next part. The people in the bar hear him screaming and the dog barking. After a few minutes he returns with blood all over his shirt and says "
So where's this old woman I have to pull the tooth out of then?"

A guy went to Las Vegas, and won big, really big, in one of the casinos.
When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won.
After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decided to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite.
The guy went up to the room, opened the big double doors, and stepped into a three room suite.
The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen T.V.
The guy dropped his bag of money in a chair and stood looking out the windows at the city.
He realized he was all alone and needed someone to share his good fortune.
He called the front desk and told the clerk to send up one of the best, high-priced call girls in the city.
Thirty minutes later there was a knock on the more...

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..." "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money." The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"