Month Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10, 000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $50, 000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15, 000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"
Advice on baby care - your questions answered.
(From a Nutworks post by Jon Partington)
QUESTION. I am the father of a two-month old baby and he is fascinated by a Helium balloon that we have bought him. It is called Mr Smiley and has a smiling face on one side, with the words 'Don't worry'. He keeps playing with the thing, tugging on the string and letting the balloon rise again. However what is worrying me is that he seems more interested in Mr Smiley than he is in me: also he seems to resemble Mr Smiley very strongly, in that he is fat, full of wind, and smiles a lot in an enigmatic way. Is it possible that my wife has committed adultery with Mr Smiley, & the baby is not my son at all?
ANSWER. This is highly improbable. The baby probably likes Mr Smiley because he comes when the baby pulls him. You could try bobbing up and down above the cot, smiling vacuously. Pretend you are a politician running for office, Maybe.
QUESTION. My baby is only one month old and can more...
MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities more...
A wife said to her husband one day that they aren't going to have sex for one whole month, as a challenge for them both. And they are going to sleep naked to make it more difficult. Each night for that month the husband is really tempted to try. He kept doing nice things for her, like cleaning the house while she went grocery shopping. He tried walking his fingers up her side when they were in bed, which always used to work, but now every time he tried he got a slap. By the time the month was over, he was way past desperate. They spent the next year having sex six hours a day. The wife came to a conclusion- "I'll never do that again!" The end result- half the time they forgot to wear a condom, giving them eight unwanted kids. Moral: NEVER FORGET TO WEAR A CONDOM!!
Interesting Facts
*The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
* February 1865 is the only month in more...
MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.2. Nothing improves with age.3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.4. Sex has no calories.5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.8. No sex with anyone in the same office.9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.12. Virginity can be cured.13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't more...
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so
after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the
minor of three possible operations.
The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not
pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he
recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious
operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.
But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back
in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one.
After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes
normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in
conceiving a baby.
Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular
examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this
third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that more...