Months Jokes / Recent Jokes

NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa’s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning December 9, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to “all who have made Christmas great, ” and vowed to “make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all. ” It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked “Why buy Christmas? ” Bill Gates replied “Microsoft has been working on a more...

Time to do the inner-blonde test! Pay close attention! There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer them all in 5 minutes. DO NOT look at the answers found at the end of this document, that would be cheating! Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference!
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1. Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?
2. If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills taken?
3. I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being woken by the alarm?
4. Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?
5. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?
6. If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp more...

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Get rid of your cat.
5. Sunday = TV Sports.
6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
7. You have too many shoes.
8. Crying is blackmail.
9. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
10. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
11. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
12. Simple "yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
16. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you more...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on more...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind ofliving thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah." Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I more...

Dating process:
6 weeks: I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months: Of course I love U.
6 years: GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks: Honey, I'm home.
6 months: BACK!!
6 years: What did your mom cook for us today??
Gifts:
6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living
room.
6 years: Here's the money. Buy yourself something.
Phone Ringing:
6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months: Here, for you.
6 years: PHONE RINGING.
Cooking:
6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years: AGAIN!!!
Apology:
6 weeks: Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months: Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years: What's not to understand about what I just said??
New Dress:
6 weeks: Oh my God, you more...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's van and
headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will
talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for
the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, they got on their way and enjoyed a great
weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took
him a few minutes to figure it out, more...