Morning Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a professor who started all of his classes with a dirty joke. Finally, the women in the class decided that the next time he started, they would walk out. They didn't know it, but the professor had caught wind of their plan.
At the beginning of class the next morning the professor said, "Good morning class. Have you heard about the shortage of whores in China?" At that point, the women all stood up and were heading for the door.
"Wait ladies," the professor bellowed. "The boat isn't leaving until tomorrow."

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed more...

Girls, allegedly so timorous and lacking in confidence, now outnumber boys in student government, in honor societies, on school newspapers, and even in debating clubs.
- Christina Hoff Sommers, The War Against Boys
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"Women should be obscene and not heard."
- Groucho Marx
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A woman phoned the dry cleaners saying that the designer label was missing from her dress's neckband. Assuring her that they would look for it, the owner spent the whole afternoon searching the shop. Finally, he found the label in a trash bin. He cleaned and pressed it, and dropped it off at the customer's home. "Oh, thank you," she gushed. "I'm having a garage sale tomorrow and I can always charge a few dollars more for a dress with a label on it."
***
"Anheuser-Busch announced they are coming out with low-carb beer called "Ultra" which is aimed at the diet-conscious beer drinker. Diet-conscious beer drinker... aren't those more...

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed more...

Coffee maker
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Maurice and Becky are arguing over who should brew the coffee each morning.
Becky says, "As you get up first in the morning, Maurice, you should make it. Then we won`t have to wait too long for our coffee."
"But you’re in charge of all the cooking," replies Maurice, "that’s your job, so you should make it. And if I have to wait for my coffee in the morning, well, I don`t mind."
"But it says in the bible that the man should make the coffee," says Becky
"OK, responds Maurice, "if you can show me where it says that, I’ll never question you again."
Next day, Becky borrows a bible from her neighbour and shows Maurice that on the top of several pages it indeed says ‘Hebrews’.

At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out,"Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your brother died last night."The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he saidafterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn'tlook very convinced.Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward."Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT !" They came to attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of more...

Little Johnny's parents were attempting to potty train him. When he did go to the bathroom though, it seemed like he hit everything except the toilet. Then his mother would have to go in and clean up after him.
After a couple of weeks, she had had enough, so she took Johnny to the doctor. After explaining the problem to him, the doctor said, "Well, his member is too small. There is an old wive's tale that says to give him two slices of toast each morning and his member will grow. Then he will be able to hold it and aim straight."
The following morning, Johnny jumped out of bed and raced downstairs to the kitchen. On the table were a dozen slices of toast.
"Mom," Johnny yelled, "the doctor said I only have to eat two slices of toast."
"Yes, I know son," his mother replied and smiled. "The other ten are for your dad."