Morning Jokes / Recent Jokes

What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning? -Sends him to work.

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of' Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is more...

Amazing and true lawyer statements. Lawyers typically aren't funny — unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...
1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3)
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?
4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6) Were you alone or by yourself.
7) How long have you been a French Canadian?
8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9)
Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10) Were you present in more...

A little boy was in school, he raised his hand and asked the teacher to go to the bathroom. The teacher said, "First you have to say your abc's." So the kid says, "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz." The teacher says, "You forgot the P. Where's the P." And the boy says, "running down my leg."
A little old lady walked into the... "A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank
holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window
that she wished to open an account with the bank and deposit the $3 million
she had in the bag. She said that prior to doing so she wished to meet the
president of the bank due to the large amount of money involved.
The teller opened the bag and saw bundles of $100 bills and thinking this a
reasonable request telephoned the president's secretary to make an appointment
for the lady.
Later the lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the more...

Sally goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all of his employees well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

Sally very calmly states, "No. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know."

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be ok? What's more...

This past weekend, I was doing some holiday baking. It was getting late and I was tired so I decided to leave the cleanup mess until morning.
The next morning, I was getting my coffee and I noticed thousands of little tiny footprints in the flour on the countertop. Needless to say, I wasted no time calling the FBI.
The FBI Special Crimes Unit arrived and sure enough, they confirmed that I did in fact have AntTracks.
Darn Terrorist!!!

A cowboy has lived to an extremely old age, and one day his grandson asked him to what he attributes his long life.
"Well, you know that every morning, I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast," says the old timer. His grandson nods. "Before I eat it, I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it, every day," The ancient cowpoke adds. The grandson decides to follow his grandfather's breakfast regimen, and each morning of his life, he has oatmeal with gunpowder sprinkled on it.
Sure enough, the grandson lives to the ripe old age of 97, and when he died, he left seven children, twenty one grandchildren, eighteen great-grandchildren, and a fifteen foot hole in the side of the crematorium.