Morning Jokes / Recent Jokes

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep. Excuse me for disturbing you, maam, he said politely, but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and Ive noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread! Thats right. Every day you wallop him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were hitting him with a chocolate cake....? Well, today is his birthday!

Santa and his wife, Jeeto, went on vacation to a resort. One morning, Santa came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. Jeeto decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out a short distance from shore, anchored the boat and started reading a book she had brought with her.
Along comes a guard in his boat - pulls up alongside and asks, "What are you doing out here?"
Jeeto replies, "I'm just reading a book."
"Well, ma'am, this is a restricted area," he says.
Then, he sees all the fishing equipment in the boat and continues, "You can't fish here, ma'am."
To which she replies, "I'm not fishing. I'm merely sitting here reading my book."
"But you have all this equipment, I will have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape."
"Why...I didnt even touch you."
"No, more...

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read: Lose weightOnly $1. 00 a poundCall (202) 208-0238The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked,' How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man responded,' Ten pounds.'The voice replied,' Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'. About 9: 00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating,' If you catch me, you can have me'. Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. more...

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me!"The doctor asks, "Whats your problem?"The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my morning flagpole... givethe wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpoolwith the next door neighbors wife who gives me a blow job during the rideto work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, Igo into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young officegirls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a goodboning. For afternoon tea, I give the bosss wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give thewife another screw.......""So...????" asked the doctor. "Whats your problem???"The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"

Q. What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A. (Screaming) "I said. I'm drunk!"
Q. Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A. Because red means stop.
Q. Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A. They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q. Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A. To put their feet through.
Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. Has that blonde gone yet?
A2. When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3. "All the blondes have gone home!"
Q. What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A. "Have another beer."
Q. Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A. Because everybody gets a turn.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A. You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A. You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q. What is the difference between more...

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the more...

A man wakes up every morning and takes a shower, shaves and goes to work. One morning, the man wakes up with an erection looks at the clock and sees he is late for work. so the man skips the shower and shaves, while he is shaving he drops the razor and cuts off his penis.
his penis looks up at him and says "fourty years of fist fighting and you pull a knife?"