Morning Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies."
Now God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay the bills and balance the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to more...

A man noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone. "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice. The man thanked his caller and politely asked his name before hanging up.
The next morning at four o'clock, he called his neighbour back. "Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog."

A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan
Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man
at the window that she wished to take the 3 million she had in the
bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though,
she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the
amount of money involved.
The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after
opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of 1,000 bills which
amounted to right around 3 million, telephoned the bank's secretary
to obtain an appointment for the lady.
The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like
to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal
level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a
large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. more...

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner... as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.

7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).

10. Start out more...

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot". The second man married a telephone operator. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.". The third man married a school teacher. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid". The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day. At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The more...

At two in the morning, the phone rang at the governor's mansion. An aide found himself talking to a local attorney, who insisted that he must speak to the governor immediately.
Despite pleas to postpone his call until morning, the attorney insisted that the call was over a matter of utmost urgency, and that he could not wait. Eventually, the aide reluctantly decided to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Cassidy just died," announced the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The Governor shot back, "It's okay with me if it's okay with the undertaker."

Diary of a New Snow ShovelerDecenber 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll more...