Morris Jokes / Recent Jokes

How to reach a deal
Morris and Bernard met in a restaurant for a business lunch.
Morris said, "I have a good deal for you, Bernard. When I was in London Zoo recently, I happened to pick up an elephant they didn’t need any more. I could let you have it for three thousand pounds."
Bernard sipped his gin and tonic and said, "Morris, what am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a third floor flat. I barely have room for my furniture. I can`t even squeeze in a card table. So you think I`m going to buy an elephant?"
Morris said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand."
"Aha," said Bernard, "now you`re talking!"

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."Morris hung his head and whispered - "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Jimmy, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to
discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know.
I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing mother."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My
mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mom just like that after 54 years together. What
happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should
know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It
will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mom? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't
been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and more...

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of Ming Dynasty china.

He strolled into the store and offered five dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said Morris the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"Make it twenty and it's a deal," said Morris, and pocketed the $20 on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the antique connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said Morris, the deli owner, firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 32 stray cats."

Life’s little conversations Beckie: “You’ll be sorry – I’m going to leave you.
Morris: “Make up your mind – which one is it going to be?” Beckie (to Sadie): “Just remember to be nice to your kids – they’ll be choosing your nursing home!” Morris (timidly to Beckie): “We’re not going out tonight and that’s semi-final!” Morris: “Beckie’s two hours late.
Max: “She’s probably been kidnapped or she’s been involved in a terrible car crash or she’s shopping.”
Morris: “Oy vay! I hope she’s not shopping!”

Fit for life
Morris had reached 60, so he went to see doctor Myers for a full medical check-up. When he had finished, doctor Myers said, "Relax, Morris, you’re in very good shape. I can’t find anything wrong with you. You’ll probably live till you’re 100. So how old was your father when he died?"
Morris replied, "Did I say he was dead?"
Doctor Myers then asked, "How old is your father, is he still active?"
"He’s 83 and goes jogging and Israeli dancing every week." Morris replied.
Doctor Myers was very surprised. "How old was your grandfather when he died?"
Morris again answered, "Did I say he was dead, doctor?"
Doctor Myers was astonished. "You mean to tell me that you are 60 years old and both your father and grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather active?"
Morris replied, "He goes swimming twice a week, and plays a full round of golf every Sunday, weather more...

The first grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess.

Teacher asks Sarah, "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write' sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

Teacher says, "Good. If you write' box' correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." Morris does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write' blatant racial discrimination,' I'll give more...