Morris Jokes / Recent Jokes
Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes. Morris shouts across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is that you? "Come on over here a minute!" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind' em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?" Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic..."Now try doing it with the engine running!"
Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, "I can't talk, please help me!"
The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penis on the table here." Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does as he says.
The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris' penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Then the doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered - "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"
Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave." "Who?" "Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave." "There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris. "Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "He was something, huh?" "He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood." "No wonder you remember him." "Well, I never actually met Dave." "Then how do you know so much about him?" asks more...
The phone call.
Morris calls his son in New York.
Morris says "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don`t want to discuss it. I`m merely telling you because you`re my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I`ve made up my mind, I`m divorcing your mother."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don`t want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can`t decide to divorce Mum just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It`s too painful to talk about it. I only called because you`re my son, and I thought you should know. I really don`t want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where`s Mum? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don`t want you to say anything to her about it. I haven`t told her yet. Believe me it hasn`t been easy. I`ve agonised over it for several more...
Ninty-year-old Morris goes to his GP for a check-up. A few weeks later, the doctor sees him in the street with a gorgeous, busty young woman on his arm. "You're really doing well, aren't you?" he tells the elderly gent. Morris replies, "Just doing what you said, Doctor:' Get a hot mama and be cheerful'." "No," says the GP. "I said,' You've got a heart murmur-be careful.'"