Morris Jokes / Recent Jokes
The lawyer was reading out the Will of Sam Rosenblatt, a rich man, to those people mentioned in the Will:"To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well as the good, the house and $2 million."To my daughter Sahra, who looked after me in illness and kept the business going, the yacht, the business, and $1 million." To my nephew Irving, my 2 Jaguars, and my winter home in Aspen."And to my cousin Morris, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would not remember him in my Will, you were wrong again Morris! So Hello Morris!"
Three older women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know my son, he graduated with honors from Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250, 000 a year in Chicago."
The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, "You know my son Morris, he never did too well is school, he never went to any university but he now makes 1 million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask, "Vos is a sports repairman?"
The third moma proudly replies, "Morris fixes hockey games, football games, baseball games, tennis matches...."
A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Ourengines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I amunable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never berescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if notfor the rest of our lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely onthe island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, didwe pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" No Morris!" she responded. Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" "Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!" Now Morris laughs. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our TempleBuilding Fund check this more...
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey... My Love... Darling... Sweetheart... Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"
Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle anda banner that said N I L. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymnsto The Great Nullity, The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero inthe Sky. Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and wispered,..... ..... "Is Nothing Sacred?"
A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying tothe Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some verybad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this planewill be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island belowus that should be able to accommodate our landing. This islandappears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. Sothe odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to liveon the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of ourlives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we payour pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" "No Morris!" she responded. Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" "Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!"Now Morris laughs." One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our TempleBuilding Fund check this more...
Morris gets a dog
Morris gets a new dog and can`t wait to show him off to Shlomo. So when Shlomo arrives, Morris calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.
Morris points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "FETCH!"
Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears.
Looking balefully up at his master, the dog says in a whiny voice, "You think this is easy wagging my tail all the time? Oy vay. It hurts from so much wagging. And do you think that expensive organic dog food you`re feeding me is tasty? You try it. It`s dreck - much too salty. And you just don`t seem to care about me anymore. You just push me out the door to take a leak three times a day. I can`t remember the last time you took me out for a more...