Move Jokes / Recent Jokes

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named - BOOK.
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.
Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more more...

O MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told more...

O MY DEAR WIFE, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:54 times the sheets were clean17 times it was too late49 times you were too tired20 times it was too hot5 times you pretended to be asleep22 times you had a headache17 times you were afraid of waking the baby16 times you said you were too sore12 times it was the wrong time of the month19 times you had to get up early9 times you said weren't in the mood7 times you were sunburned6 times you were watching the late show5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo3 times you said the neighbors would hear us9 times you said your mother would hear usOf the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactorybecause:6 times you just laid there,8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was more...

The plane is on its way to Houston, when a blonde in economy class gets up
and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She
then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will
have to sit back in her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston, and
I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the
co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class who belongs in
economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she
only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston, and
I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police
waiting when they land more...

(actual trial)

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested and when the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner:

"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisment which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisment which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

He won the more...

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive.

"Dead," she was informed.

"How do you know?", she asked.

"Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went' pssst' and he didn't move."

THE SEQUELS CONTINUE
(these are all by me by the way)
"Hmm... Let's go for the gusto today!"
"Here's my ticket to fame, fortune, and Ripley's Beleive it or Not!"
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am!"
"Gotta match?"
"Now, why in the name of God's green Earth did I do that?!"
"We'll just mix these two together and that should...!"
"No honey, there's no one in your closet. Now go to sleep. Quit crying. Here, I'll look just to make sure."
"It's the red wire, right? The blue wire? There is no blue wire. The black one then? You're so wishy-washy. Here I'll just cut them both!"
"Wow. A real dud grenade! Can I pick it up?"
"Hey what's with the mask! I'm just visiting the hospital! Zzzzzzzzz..."
"Sister Loretta, I'm telling you, I DID NOT TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN. Geez! That's the biggest ruler I've ever seen!"
"Don't move. more...