Mud Jokes / Recent Jokes
Borrowed without permission from Jeff Foxworthy's Christmas song:
On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Pack of Bud Rasslin' tickets
tin of copenhagen years probation table dancers cans of redman cans of spam Flannel Shirts Mud Grip Tires Shotgun Shells Huntin' dogs
and some parts to a Mustang GT If you're from Georgia you'll understand the Mud Grip Tires: )
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my' thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
An army grunt stands in the rain after marching 12 miles with a 35-pound pack on his back and says, "God, this is shit." An army airborn recruit stands in the rain after jumping from an airplane and marching 18 miles with a 45-pound pack on his back and says with a smile, "God, this is shit." An army Airborn Ranger lies in the mud after jumping from a plane into a swamp and marching 25 miles with a 55-pound pack on his back and says with a grin, "God, I love this shit!" A green beret kneels in the stinking mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back after jumping from an airplane into the ocean, swimming ten miles to the swamp and crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault the enemy camp and says with a passionate snarl, "God, give me more of this shit!" An Air force recruit sits in an easy chair in his air-conditioned, carpeted quarters and says, "The cable's out? What kind of shit is this?"
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in more...
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,. ..."Yours is. "
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add wood.
Monitor: Keep an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not carefull downloadin' (watch th' toes!)
Floppy Disk: Whacha get from pilin' too much firewood.
RAM: The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in mud season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in mud season.
Windows: What to shut when it's 30 below.
Screen: What you need for black fly season.
Byte: What black flies do.
Chip: Whatcha get when you chop wood.
Micro Chip: What's left when you've picked up the chips.
Infrared: Where the left-over's go when Fred's around.
Modem: What you did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: John Matrix's wife.
Printer: Someone who can't write in cursive.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy
Keyboard: Where you hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic more...