Murder Jokes / Recent Jokes

This one most certainly must have been a blonde:
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the more...

In a murder trial, thedefense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

A murder trial was concluding. In his closing, the defense lawyer stated strongly, "Ladies and gentlemen, the prosecution has made much of its circumstantial case against my client, but as you all know by now, they have never found the alleged victim. Well, members of the jury, we have done what they have failed to do, proving without a doubt my client's innocence. The person presumed dead is about to walk into this courtroom."

With that, the attorney looked expectantly at the doors at the back of the courtroom. The jurors, stunned, looked at the door eagerly for a minute, but no one entered. Finally, the lawyer stated, "I confess, I made up the previous statement. But I did so to prove a point about reasonable doubt. All of you thought that person would enter the court. How can you find my client guilty when you have such strong guilty that anyone was event killed?"

To the lawyer's shock, the jury only deliberated for ten minutes before more...

1991 - A Montana State University chemistry professor claimed in March that he was wrongfully accused of being drunk after an accident (which occurred while he was on work-release for a previous (drunk driving sentence). While a state trooper found him "highly intoxicated," the professor said a chemical explosion in his lab caused him to smell and act drunk and that his statement to the trooper about having consumed a six-pack of beer was merely incoherent babbling" because of the trauma of the accident.
1992 - Steven L. Johnson, 40, sentenced to two years in prison in Brookings, S.D., in April for drunk driving, explained to the judge: "I enjoyed drinking while driving. It's one of the most pleasurable habits I've had."
1993 - Only days apart, two Wisconsin men arrived in court drunk for their trials on drunken-driving charges. Both denied they had been drunk while driving, and both denied they were drunk in the courtroom. James Heard had a 0.26 more...

1991 -- A Montana State University chemistry professor claimed in March that he was wrongfully accused of being drunk after an accident (which occurred while he was on work-release for a previous (drunk driving sentence). While a state trooper found him "highly intoxicated," the professor said a chemical explosion in his lab caused him to smell and act drunk and that his statement to the trooper about having consumed a six-pack of beer was merely incoherent babbling" because of the trauma of the accident.

1992 -- Steven L. Johnson, 40, sentenced to two years in prison in Brookings, S. D., in April for drunk driving, explained to the judge: "I enjoyed drinking while driving. It's one of the most pleasurable habits I've had."

1993 -- Only days apart, two Wisconsin men arrived in court drunk for their trials on drunken-driving charges. Both denied they had been drunk while driving, and both denied they were drunk in the courtroom. James more...

This one most certainly must have been a blonde:
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from more...

the were once three aliens who learnt three different words. one learnt-yes, of course the other- because she stole my lollipop and the other-sure sure why not. next day there was a murder of a girl in the city and the police doubted on the aleins. so the police asked the first one did you do the murder he said-yes, of course he asked the second one why- because she stole my lollipop and the last one do you want to go to jail- sure sure why not...
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...