Myself Jokes / Recent Jokes

Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye.Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown."I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"

A English man, a french man and a newfie are all constructions workers.
One day at lunch time English man opens his lunch box and finds a peanut
butter sandwich and say "if my wife makes me one more peanut butter
sandwich, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself. The french
man opens up his lunch box and finds a tuna sandwich and says "if my wife
makes me one more tuna sandwich, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill
myself". Then the Newfie opens up his lunch box and finds and egg salad
sandwich and says"if my wife makes me one more egg salad sanwich, I'm gonna
jump off this building and kill myself.
Sure enough, the next day at lunch, they all get the same sandwiches and
plunge to their deaths.
A few days later, at the funerals, the english mans wife says "only if
he told me he didn't like peanut butter sandwiches" The french mans wife
says"only if he told me he didn't more...

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when. Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person. HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, more...

3 men were at work and they went to have their lunchbreaks.The 1st man had chocolate spread sandwich as usual.He said "if my wife makes me the same sandwich tomorrow, i swear i will kill myself".
The 2nd man had tuna sandwich as usual he said "if i have the same sandwich tomorrow, ill kill myself too".The 3rd man had peanut butter sandwich again"he said if i have the same sandwich tomorrow ill kill myself too.
the next day they all got the same sandwich so they killed themselves.At the funeral, the 1st wife said "he should have told me he wanted a different sandwich".
the 2nd said the same.
the 3rd said"i dont know why my husband killed himself, he made his own sandwiches"

*Madam:*


I am an older young uncle living only with myself in Lahore. Having seen

your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on
you and hope you will take me nicely. I am a soiled son from inside
Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing
hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am a
fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start
running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce alot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly.
I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am
always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get
on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not
drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. more...

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt-
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So-away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie-not even a more...

Melbourne, Australia
Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down - - and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: "Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God."

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. "The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, more...