Myself Jokes / Recent Jokes
"I'm going fishing." Really means"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "Let's take your car." Really means"Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas." "Woman driver." Really means"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me." "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white." "It's a guy thing." Really means"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means"Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or more...
(1) You are next. .
When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,"You are next".
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. [:))]
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(2) Divorce Joke...
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully",
The divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very nice, your honour", the husband said.
"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself".
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(3) Tarzan & dead Cheetah
What did Tarzan think when he saw a dead Cheetah?
Wow! New Underwear.
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(4) Women in Heven
What do u call a woman in heaven?
An Angel.
A crowd of woman in heaven?
A host of Angels.
And all woman in heaven?
PEACE ON more...
'Twas the month after Chanukah, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the latkas I'd taste
At Chanukah parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine or the egg creams, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as only I can
"You can't spend the winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of all chocolate, each cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
' Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I more...
Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were
stolen while he was passed out. While that was an "urban legend," this one
is not. It's happening every day. I'm sending this "warning" only to a few
of my closest friends.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years
ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with
someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who
would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if
imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to
mine? I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at
pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became
obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to
bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living
out my life in jeans and more...
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
A Visitor To A Mental Institution Was Amazed To Notice That One Of The Patients Spoke Quite Intelligently. This Caused Him To
Ask As To Why He Was There. "It's Because I Prefer Shoes To Boots,"Said The Patient. "But Many People Prefer Shoes To
Boots,"Said The Visitor."I Do Myself". "Really!"Replied The Patient,"How Do You Like Them- Fried Or Boiled?
"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the more...