Myself Jokes / Recent Jokes

A family was eating out at a restaurant. The waiter who had been standing by them said in quite an upset manner "Well I guess I'm gonna go home, make myself a cold tuna sandwich, watch the news, and then cry myself to sleep again." The mother of the family looks at him in pity and says " would you like to join us?" The waiter shouts back, "Did you not just hear me?! I have an evening planned!"

Patient: Doctor, you have to help me stop talking to myself. Doctor: Why is that? Patient: I'm a salesman and I keep selling myself things I don't want.

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and he accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and dragged him to shore.
Clinton was so thankful that he told each of them, "Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward. You guys just name it."
The first boy says, "I want to go to Disneyland!" "I'll take you there myself in Air Force One!" exclaims Bill.
The second boy says, "I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordan's." "I'll buy them for you myself," says Bill.
"And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers" the third boy says.
The president looks at the boy and says, "But, son, you don't look like you are handicapped to me."
The boy replies, "I'm going to be when my dad finds out I more...

I've cured myself of smoking in bed. I bought a water bed and filled it with gasoline.

What are seniors citizens worth? They are worth a fortune, with all the silver in their hair, gold in
their teeth, stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet.
As for myself, I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my
life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every
day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. I immediately go to see John. After
that Charlie Horse comes along, and he really takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves,
Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day. However, he doesn't like to stay in one
place very long, so he just takes me from joint to joint. Finally after such a busy tiring day, I'm
really glad to be able to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!!
P. S. The preacher came by the other day. He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter.
I told him,' Oh I do more...

Dear ________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. Check those that apply...
___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you more...

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.
After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.
"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"
"It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life".
"Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?"
"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".
The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain -
"And how's your sex life...."
"Infrequently", he more...