Myself Jokes / Recent Jokes

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little."Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?""It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life"."Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?""So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain - "And how's your sex life....""Infrequently", he declares.The widow ponders this for a more...

I talk to myself a lot. it bothers people, though, because I use a megaphone.

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

Having failed to conquer myself, the best hope now is to arrange an alliance with myself.

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I cant remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and cant remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, ladies, Im glad I dont have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, Ill get it!"

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "It's a guy thing." Really means...." There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means...." Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response." It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works." "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means...." The batteries in the remote are dead." "We're going to be late." Really means...." Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really more...

An elderly widow and widower met in a retirement home and really seemed to hit it off. They shared the same values, enjoyed the same things in life and found pleasure in each other's company.
Eventually, the widower took the plunge and proposed. Before accepting, the widow thought she should find out a little more about him. "I probably shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth but, how is your health?" she asked.
"Pretty good," he replied. "I'm obviously not getting any younger, but I have no major problems and still enjoy life."
"That's wonderful," said the widow. "I must protect myself though, so if you don't mind my asking, how are you fixed financially?"
"By all means, I'm not a wealthy man, but I am comfortable. No need to fear, I am very capable of supporting myself," he said.
Blushing, the widow decided to bite the bullet, "How about your sex life?"
"Infrequently," replied more...