Naked Jokes / Recent Jokes

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full.. of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans.. we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like more...

This is a homework assignment I received from my English teacher, I just finished it what do you think?

Response should be at least one page double-spaced. Respond thoughtfully.
1. Recall a situation in which you felt controlled by fear. Explain.
From what I remember, I have never really been controlled by fear, I am fearless, real men are not controlled by anyone, or anything but I could have been afraid as a child I do not remember, and to be honest, if I was controlled by fear, I would not admit it to you, ManRib.
Actually here’s a fear, I fear you without clothes, I fear seeing your fat ass camel toe naked, I’m hiding under my pillow just thinking about it.
2. Why do/did you have this fear? What created it? (Speculate if you aren’t sure.)
Why do I have this fear, hmm well every time I see a fat chick where tight jeans, the way you do, I just get this fear, of what if I have to see them naked? Its quite disturbing in my mind, I guess you can blame more...

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree.

His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and more...

President Clinton dies and decends into hell. As a professional courtesy to a fellow, worldclass liar Satan greets the President personally.
'Mr. President' he says' we don't normally do this. But I'm going to give you three choices of your eternal punishment'.
'Great' says Bill.' But once you've picked there is no going back. It will be your fate for the remainder of time. This time I'm not lying'.
First they come to a dark, burning pit. Adolf Hitler is naked and being speared by an an army of demons. He's bleeding and screaming madly. Bill cringes and says he could never handle the pain.
Next they come to a hot, burning cave. Saddam Hussein is naked with his limbs stretched and broken. Devils are burning his flesh with hot coals. Once again Bill retreats and refuses the option.
Finally they come to a pleasant, cool room. Ken Starr is naked on a table and Monica Lewinksy is giving him what she loves to give best. Bill smiles and says' now that's more like more...

While walking through the Stone Mountain State Park woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious the man says, "Well, OK." He wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, and car keys then
stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, started fondeling more...

Uh... top 10 things not to say to a naked man: 10: Awww... that's cute9. Well, at least you're good at other things8. Do you think it'll fit in my old Barbie® clothes? 7. My li'l brother has one like that. 6. Are you cold? 5.: : giggles:: 4. Maybe we should just be friends3. Can you make it dance? 2. Umm... maybe you should get dressed1. Oh... look... its hiding!

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's the matter?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten scum," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids."