Name Jokes / Recent Jokes

The story behind this joke:... There's this nutball who digs things out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Paleoanthropology DivisionSmithsonian Institute207 Pennsylvania AvenueWashington, DC 20078Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. "Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu more...

A happily married man, Irving Topper, found himself driving through a badly paved country road in upstate Rhinebeck, New York. A sudden flat tire sent the car wobbling to a standstill.
The lights in a nearby health manor invited Topper to rap on the door. An attractive lady opened the door and asked what she could do for him. He told her his problem and wondered if he could seek the shelter of her house until dawn, whe he would repair the flat. The lady agreed and invited him into her parlor.
One word led to another; one drink let to another; one touch led to another. Irving Topper was soon divested of his clothes and snuggling in the lady's bed with an equally naked lady.
In the morning Topper thanked her for her hospitality, told her his name was Herman Thompson, changed his tire, and drove off.
About six months later, Topper received a call from his friend Herman Thompson.
"Hey," said Thompson, "did you ever give my name to a lady in Rhinebeck, more...

A HAWKER of sweets in Patna made good use of his name to sell his wares. He used to go round the streets shouting Mathuraji kay peyday-pedas of Mathura." Mathura being famous for its sweets, particularly its pedas, he did good business. One day he was asked: "Baba, how do you manage to bring pedas from Mathura every day?"
"I never said I brought them from Mathura," replied the hawker, "my name is Mathura Das."

A boy is at home with his parents but they start to have a fight. The mum says you bastard so the boy asks, what a bastard is, his mum says that its another name for husband. Then his dad says you bitch, the boy asks what a bitch is, his dad says that its another name for wife.
A few minutes later his mum is putting make-up on until she says shit because she has got it on her dress, again the boy asks, what shit means. His mm says that it means putting make-up. He goes downstairs where his dad is stuffing the chiccken until he gets his hand stuck and says fuck. Again the boy asks what it means. His dad says that it is another meaning for stuffing the chicken.
Not long after the mailman comes to the door and asks if his parents were home. The boy says yes and then the mailman asks where they are.
The boy says, the bitch is upstairs in the bedroom puuting shit on her face and the bastards in the kitchen fucking the chicken.

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a
man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no
thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of
thumb"
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented.
It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and
thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime
time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the
U.S.Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can
hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who
walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now
get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness:
38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of
eleven: $6,400
The more...

[Noted in HARVARD MAGAZINE, September/October 1990.]
Conservative Member of Parliament Geoffrey Dickens tells of attending a fair
in his constituency and being followed around by a sweet but exceptionally
ugly woman whom he couldn't get rid of.
A few days later he got an admiring letter from her asking for his
photograph, and signed, after her name, "(Horseface)."
Dickens was touched by her humorous modesty and sent off a picture
autographed, "To Horseface, with best wishes, Geoffrey Dickens."
Some time later his secretary asked him, "Did you get that letter from the
woman at the fair? I wrote 'Horseface' after her name so you'd know which
one she was."

Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus.
THE NAME - Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith - now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.
THE ADDRESS - Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!
THE PHONE NUMBER - Skip it. What are the odds they'll call - 1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or more...