Names Jokes / Recent Jokes

In response to Friday's "Santa is a woman", I offer the following:
Santa is a man.
It is precisely because Christmas is an "organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal" that Santa has to be a man. Delegation... that's the key. Just imagine if a woman was trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were going to celebrate it on.
It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and (usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task would overwhelm most females. We'd have to plan football schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or worse yet... there might not be any football at all. (Shudder) That's a scary thought.
If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It would take a she Santa until New Year's Eve to get dressed (for more...

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor`s door.
4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.
5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn`t. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.
7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds."
8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.
9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can`t do the paper because you`re not sure if the more...

Santa was invited to Banta's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Jalebi, Honey, Pyaari, Darling, Sweetheart etc. He was impressed, since the couple had been married almost 40 years.
While the wife was in the kitchen, Santa said, "I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call bhabhiji those pet names."
Banta hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

When I was introduced to a couple visiting our congregation, I decided to remember their names by noting they were the same as those of two characters in a popular children's story. After the services I stopped to talk to them, and as they were saying goodbye I teased, "Be careful going up that hill! But you must get that all the time." They smiled politely but said nothing. After they left, my husband asked, "What was that all about?" "Jack and Jill. Up the hill. Remember?" I said. "Yes, but what does that have to do with," he pointed to the couple, "Dick and Jane?"

Article 76 (1)
Parliament shall not abdicate or in any manner alienate its
legislative power, and shall not set up any authority with any
legislative power.
Article 5
The territory of the Republic of Sri Lanka shall consist of the
twenty-four administrative districts, the names of which are set
out in the First Schedule, and its territorial waters.
Schedule
First Schedule
Article 5
Names of Administrative Districts:
1. Colombo
2. Gampaha
3. Kalutara
4. Kandy
5. Matale
6. Nuwara Eliya
7. Galle
8. Matara
9. Hambantota
10. Jaffna
11. Mannar
12. Vavuniya
13. Mullaitivu
14. Batticaloa
15. Ampara
16. Trincomalee
17. Kurunegala
18. Puttalam
19. Anuradhapura
20. Polonnaruwa
21. Badulla
22. Moneragala
23. Ratnapura
24. Kegalla

If you are planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes. The South has' mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses. The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services. The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names. The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy. The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance. The South has an amalance.
The North has Indy car races. The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat. The South has grits.
The North has green salads. The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters. The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt. The South has the Bible Belt.
AND
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a more...