Neck Jokes / Recent Jokes
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world
in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet,
Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the
Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:
Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the
other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man
responded, 'Ten pounds.'
The voice replied, 'Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll
have a representative over to your house in the morning.'.
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There
stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign
around her neck stating, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas,
through the kitchen, all around the more...
A man called to testify at the Revenue Canada, (Canada's IRS) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma." Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.' Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada?!""Simple", replied the Priest..."It more...
A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.' Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.' Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.' Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.' Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.' Let me tell you a story,' replied the rabbi.' A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.' Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.' Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.' The man protested:' What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?'' No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.'
one red neck is walking down the rode and he starts singing im a red neck womon
How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?
You can't get you finger between the rope and his neck.
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he more...
Arkansas Governor Application First name:___________________Last name(if known):_______________________Address (where you live):Mother's name(list also relation, i.e., sister):__________________Birthdate(yours):____________________Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices)______________Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )Year of pickup truck:____________ Do you have the following in your truck: Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( ) Filled ash tray( ) Used Condoms( ) Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )How far can you throw cow pies? __________ Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )Wife's name:__________________ Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( ) Mother( ) Neighbor's dog( ) Right hand( )Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( ) Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )How much smarter than you is your wife: more...