Needing Jokes / Recent Jokes

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the 1st time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check more...

If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Some fun rules
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck more...

Some fun rules1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need him again.10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"12. My Reality Check bounced.13. more...

1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos - you never know what's going to burn your butt.
2) I love deadlines. I especially like the "whooshing" sound they make as they go flying by.
3) Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
5) I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
6) Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?
7) My reality check bounced.
8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9) I don't suffer from stress; I am a carrier!
10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
12) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you more...

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the fuck is the ceiling? My reality check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Everyone is someone else's weirdo. Never argue with an idiot. They more...