Neither Jokes / Recent Jokes

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, more...

Joey was a great guy with wonderful qualities except for unbelievably stinky feet. Sharon was a fabulous gal with everything going for her except her terrible breath. Because of these qualities neither dared to date anyone. When they met, however, they knew they were right for each other. As the relationship grew neither could reveal their embarrassing features to each other. When Joey wanted to kiss her, Sharon would decline. Sharon would want to take long walks on the beach but Joey would refuse. Later they decided to get married and in their hotel room the moment that comes to all newlyweds had arrived. Sharon decided to reveal her secret and said’ “Joey there is something I must tell you. I…” and Joey interrupted, “I know, you ate my socks”

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus more...

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is more...

1. How Dogs and Men Are the Same

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.


2. How Dogs Are Better Than Men

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs more...

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go more...

...an Oregon mayoral election went to a runoff after neither Warren Nate nor Charles Lever emerged with a majority of the votes. In the runoff, neither candidate got the required 50% of the vote, so the city council chose the next mayor. By a 6-3 margin, Warren Nate was chosen mayor. Outgoing mayor Ronald Vorhees was pleased with the selection, saying "Better Nate than Lever."