Neither Jokes / Recent Jokes

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a more...

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple... English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive more...

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.
Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.
Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."
Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

Men are just like a Dog... here's proof! 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 3. Both are threatened by their own kind. 4. Both like to chew wood. 5. Both mark their territory. 6. Both are bad at asking you questions. 7. Neither tells you what's bothering them. 8. Both tend to smell riper with age. 9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 10. Neither does any dishes. 11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 12. Both like dominance games. 13. Both are suspicious of the postman. 14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone. 15. Neither understands what you see in cats.

If Men were to re-write the rules:

Rule # 1

Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2

If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3

If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4

It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5

Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Rule # 8

Whenever possible, please say whatever you more...

The English LanguageHave you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language? Let's face itEnglish is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplantNo ham in the hamburgerAnd neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in EnglandFrench fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for grantedBut if we examine its paradoxes we find thatQuicksand takes you down slowlyBoxing rings are squareAnd a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teethShouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beethIf the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetablesWhat the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a playYet play at a recital? Park on driveways andDrive on parkwaysYou have to marvel at the unique lunacyOf a language where a house can burn up asIt burns downAnd in which you fill in a form By more...

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't grocer and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats more...