New Jokes / Recent Jokes

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.... and try saying things like "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and "I understand."

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No sh*t... what happened next??"

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania.

They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It's late, and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding.

Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and more...

I don't like the new copier I just bought. It says "put face down" but every time I do it, it blinds my eyes.

Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up screen. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in ". gov," a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly. Source code no longer ones and zeros - try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, "Here's to my sweet Satan." Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to AT&T. New desktop icon - click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products." Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, "Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me." TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings. Desktop more...

What`s the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

What`s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What`s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

What`s the fastest way to a man`s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can`t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What`s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it`s good for the dishwasher to match more...

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

' 'I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR...''

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said,' 'Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf.'' To which the little brother replied,' 'No, but Gramma is!''

These are stories from help desks around the country.

At 3: 37 a. m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.

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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write' click' and I more...