Nice Jokes / Recent Jokes
On
Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at
a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny
new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got
there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that
bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid
a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took th
The cop said, "e ticket, but before he rode off
he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you
got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure
did."
The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to
put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".3.) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".4.) People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.6.) You should not confuse your career with your life.7.) No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.9.) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up more...
Examine Bill Gates' wealth compared to yours: Consider the average American of reasonable but modest wealth. Perhaps he has a net worth of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger. Which means that if something costs $100,000 to Joe Average, to Bill it's as though it costs 25 cents. You can work out the right multiplier for your own net worth.So for example, you might think a new Lamborghini Diablo would cost $250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars that's 63 cents.That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop with the 1024x768 screen you've been drooling after? A penny.A nice home in a rich town Palo Alto, California? Two dollars.That nice mansion he's building? A reasonable $125 to him.You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your family to see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand, could buy the team for 100 Bill- bills.You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare coach. In Bill-bills, Mr.. Gates could buy three 747s. more...
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen so that, when you remove the garment from the washing machine, you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*stard.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an more...
I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents' house on Christmas Eve. I felt it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays. I truly thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees.
Boy, was I wrong. Sue me!
I had only known Linda for three weeks when I extended the invitation. "I realize these family things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve."
"Sounds fine to me," Linda said.
I had only known my mother for 30 years when I told her I'd be bringing Linda with me. "She's a very nice girl and she's really looking forward to meeting all of you."
"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.
And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me's. What more could I want?
I should probably point out that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is more...
A sardarji and his wife are traveling by car from delhi to mumbai. After Almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and They decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, But they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for Rs. 5000/- the sardarji explodes and demands to know why the charge is so High.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't Worth rs. 5000/-. When the clerk tells him rs. 5000/- is the standard rate, the man insists On speaking to the manager.
The manager appears, listens to the sardarji, And then explains that the hotel has an olympic-sized pool and a huge Conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
But we didn't use them", the sardarji complains.
Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the manager. He more...
This two ladies, one with red hair and the other one blond, went to a nice restaurant to have lunch.
The waiter asks the blonde if she would like something to drink and she ordered a pepsi. And the lady with the red hair, oredered a double bols and coke.
After the waiter have left, the blond says that she was'nt aware that she could have order anything like that.
When the waiter returned with the orders, she asked him to cancel the pepsi, and bring something else instead. Sure the waiter replied, what will it be then?
Two dicks and a pepsi please!