Nine Jokes / Recent Jokes

Japan launched a satellite to explore the sun.
I'm no astronomer, but it was always my understanding that the sun was kind of hot, which would make it difficult to explore.
(Though Japan is smarter than I am, and of course, I was also mistaken in my understanding that we had nine planets, which I knew because "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pickles," and now I find out she's only serving Dwarf Pickles.)

In any event, this solar mission is apparently necessarily because flares keep disrupting satellites.
So they sent a satellite to check it out.

So maybe there will be TWO big astro-news stories this year:
Pluto no longer a planet!
Sun no longer hot!
Also, this joke no longer funny!
(Yeah, go meta, that will fix it. What is this, meta-meta? No better. Meta-better? Hot. Like the sun used to be. Boom. The sound of our universe collapsing. Or at least the logic of this stream of consciousness. I should have tried a stream more...

There are TWO teams, with eleven players each (instead of nine as in baseball).

Instead of four bases, there are only two; in the middle of the field, sixty-six feet apart... all running is between the two bases... the ball can be hit in front, OR behind... or, in ANY direction.

Instead of rotating batting for nine innings each, EACH team does all its batting in a SINGLE inning.

The team scoring more runs wins the game.



[NOTE: Unlike baseball, where a pitcher rests every 10 or so pitches when the BATTING rotates, cricket pitchers rest every 6 pitches as their PITCHING rotates.]


The fielding team works with TWO pitchers at the same time.

The first pitcher throws from one base to the other. After six throws, the catcher moves around behind the first pitcher's base, pitcher #2 takes over. He makes six throws in the opposite direction (i. e. towards the starting pitcher's base). The two pitchers keep more...

Little Johnny Clever was in Mrs. Gleason's 3rd grade class for just a couple of weeks when he ran home to his mom and showed her a little 3x3 piece of paper. It had the word "Homework" crossed out in a circle with a slash (the very same you see with no smoking signs)
"What is this?" The mother said inquiringly.
"Its a no homework pass mommy! I raised my hand the most in class. All you have to do is sign it and I dont have to do any homework for tonight!" says Johnny excitedly!
'Well thats a good thing to keep kids interested in the subject and class participation. I bet this teacher's been teaching for quite a while!' thought his mother as she signed the slip for him.
So the next day Johnny comes home again just as excited. He won another no homework pass. His mother was starting to be very proud. This happened every day for the whole nine weeks.
On report card day, Johnny came home with a D and she started to wonder if maybe he more...

A MicroSoft Marketing Manager was married to a woman who had been married nine times before. On their wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after nine marriages he would have thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain, and her comments were as follows:
My first husband was an MicroSoft Salesman who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "it's gonna be great".
My second husband was from MicroSoft Pre-Sales Support, and he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from the MicroSoft Data Center and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from MicroSoft University, and he simply said, those who can, do; those who can't, teach."
My fifth husband was more...

December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
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December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
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December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
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December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
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December more...

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes," the little girl replied. "Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says,' For the sick'."

A Unitarian Universalist walks into a fabric store and asks the clerk for nine yards of material. The clerk asks, "What are you going to make?" The UU says, "I'm making a nightgown for myself as a present for my husband."
The clerk says, "But nine yards is way too much material for a nightgown."
The UU says, "I know, but my husband would rather seek than find."