Nine Jokes / Recent Jokes
I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.
“Nine, ” I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
“I don’t want to ruin it for you, ” he said, “but when I walked in, they were speaking German. ”
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes," the little girl replied. "Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."
MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities more...
MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.2. Nothing improves with age.3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.4. Sex has no calories.5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.8. No sex with anyone in the same office.9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.12. Virginity can be cured.13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't more...
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
Missing a layer of insulation in his attic. Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland. Mooring lines don't reach the dock. More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head. Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral. Moves his lips to pretend he's reading. Must have ignored a knock-down pitch. Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass. Needs another brain to make half-wit. Needs both hands to wipe his behind. Needs front end alignment. Needs his disk checked/reformatted. Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back. Network constantly loses packets. Neurons are firing non-sequentially. Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum. Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there. Nine pence in the shilling. Nine rooms no furniture. Nineteen cents short of a paradigm. No charge in her synapses. No coins in the old fountain. No filter in the more...
Gender and Computers
Top nine reasons computers must be male:
They have a lot of data but are still clueless. A better model is always just around the corner. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. It is always necessary to have a backup. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. The lights are on but nobody's home. Big power surges knock them out for the night. Size does matter Top nine reasons computers must be female:
Picky, picky, picky. They hear what you say, but not what you mean. Beauty is only shell deep. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing". Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed. Always turning simple statements into big productions. Smalltalk is important. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong. They make you take the garbage out.