Noise Jokes / Recent Jokes
Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls.
A Yankee fan, a Met fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together on the subway when the lights go out and the car goes completely dark. There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap. When the subway cars lights come back on, Pamela Anderson and the Met fan are sitting as if nothing happened, and the Yankee fan is holding his slapped face. The Yankee fan is thinking, "That Met fan must have kissed Pamela and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead." Pamela is thinking, "That Yankee fan must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Met fan, and got slapped for it." And the Met fan is thinking, "This is great. The next time the subway cars lights go out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that @!#%!! Yankee fan again."
In 1993, sometime in December, a customer walks in with a dead PowerBook 165. Fault description: hangs on startup. An additional symptom provided was: whilst being carried from the customer's site to our service center, a' sloshing' noise was heard within the machine.
"Has anything been split on this computer?" I inquired, but no, nothing of the sort had happened, protested the client vehemently. Taking this with a grain of salt (no-one's going to admit doing something that totally invalidates their warranty and effectively wrecks their computer) I went about filling in the repair order.
Back on the bench, I started the PowerBook up. Sure enough, an address error on startup, just after' Welcome to Macintosh'. I lowered my ear to the keyboard, at which point I heard a crackling noise (couldn't hear any sloshing noise though) and became aware of a rather' sharp' odor which seemed to emanate from the inside of the machine. Flicking the computer off and more...
THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEMFor all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here itis: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the womanhappy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something shedislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doingsomething she expects... Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: SIMPLE DUTIESYou make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add thedecorative pillows... 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpledsheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings...+5 But return with beer. ..-5 You check out asuspicious noise at night. .. 0 You check out a suspicious noise andit's nothing... 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it'ssomething....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's herfather...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace thetoilet-paper roll when it's empty... 0 When the toilet-paper roll isbarren, you resort to more...
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."
The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English more...
A local newspaper was having a best and worst of everything competition. One of the categories was "Worst Noise," which elicited some incredible stories. People described noises such as collapsing houses, bones breaking, dogs yelping due to pain, etc. But the winning entry came from a guy who described what happened to him one night when he was sleeping with a woman he met at a bar.
They were making love in her bed, when all of a sudden her husband (who was supposed to be out of town on business) came crashing into the room and caught them in the act.
The guy said, "I couldn't think of what to do, so I jumped out the window in my nakedness. On my way out the window, her husband grabbed me by the balls. He had me hanging out the window by the balls, and the worst noise I've ever heard was him trying to open up his pocketknife with his teeth!"
An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for
his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite
agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem more...