Noise Jokes / Recent Jokes
What kind of money do fishermen make? Net profits! What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird's leg and a hand? Birdsthigh fish fingers! What kind of noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster! (Try saying that fast!)What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream? Jellyfish! What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?'Your plaice or mine'! Where does seaweed look for a job? In the' Kelp-wanted' adds! Why is a fish easy to weigh? Because it has its own scales! Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear? Because they have electric' eels! Why are dolphins cleverer than humans? Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish! To whom do fish go to borrow money? The loan shark!
"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35, 000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be more...
Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35, 000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"
The following is excerpted from an actual 1950's high school Home Economics textbook:
ADVANCE: How to be a Good Wife
HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal--on time. This is a way to let him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned with his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home, and having a good meal ready is part of the warm welcome that is needed.
PREPARE YOURSELF: Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. Greet him with a smile.
CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER: Make one last trip though the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up children's books and toys, papers, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you more...
An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."
The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."
So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"
The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"
In 1993, sometime in December, a customer walks in with a dead PowerBook.
Fault description: hangs on startup. An additional symptom provided was: whilst being carried from the customer's site to our service center, a 'sloshing' noise was heard within the machine.
"Has anything been split on this computer?" I inquired, but no, nothing of the sort had happened, protested the client vehemently. Taking this with a grain of salt (no one's going to admit doing something that totally invalidates their warranty and effectively wrecks their computer) I went about filling in the repair order.
Back on the bench, I started the PowerBook up. Sure enough, an address error on startup, just after 'Welcome to Macintosh'. I lowered my ear to the keyboard, at which point I heard a crackling noise (couldn't hear any sloshing noise though) and became aware of a rather 'sharp' odor which seemed to emanate from the inside of the machine.
Flicking the computer off and unplugging more...