Notice Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man lost both his ears in a very serious automobile accident but as a result received a large insurance settlement. After some period of time he realized that he needed an assistant to help him manage his money.
He decided to interview several candidates.
The first candidate was very impressive and answered all the questions satisfactorily. The interviewer then posed one final questions, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
"Well, yes," the candidate replied. "You don't have any ears." The interviewer was outraged as he was very sensitive about his lack of ears and dismissed the candidate.
The second candidate was a very attractive woman who also answered all the questions satisfactorily. Again the interviewer posed one final questions, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
"Well, yes," the woman replied. "You don't have any ears." The angry interviewer dismissed her immediately.
The third more...

How to Answer

It is Saturday, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of a televised sporting event. Opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your girlfriend enters the room and says,

'DO I LOOK FAT?'

There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted' yes'.

'No' means yes.' Yes' means yes.' I don't know' means yes.' It doesn't matter' means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes.

Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but more...

An Irishman saw a notice outside a police station which read: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY. So he went in and applied for the job!

Now that he has left office, the REAL story can finally be told.
Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.
The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to use the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, more...

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale
one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into
their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different,
Bessie?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything
different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a
little louder this time,
"Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
Furious, Sam! yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING more...

1. Your 'Imbruglia' hairdo has turned into a 'Bronwyn Bishop'... and you've stopped caring.
2. You have absolutely no idea where you're shoes are.
3. The "Chicken Dance Song" seems like a really good tune.
4. You mistake a police car from a cab and shout obscenities when it doesn't stop for you.
5. You've started having a row with yourself. Out loud.
6. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies loo because you tried twice and ended up on the floor on your bum... And it was wet.
7. You bump into people on their way to work.
8. You keep dancing into people and you've fallen off the podium - twice.
9. They've stacked all the chairs and turned the lights on.
10. You've been flashing your boobs at passers by.
11. Creme De Menthe, Advocaat or Grenadine suddenly seem to be viable drink options.
12. You start crying.
13. You can't stop.
14. There are less than three hours before you're due to start more...

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice.
She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.
"I've already done that," she replied.
"I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response.
"Do you think I'm going to get younger?"