Offers Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar more...

A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new car.
She curtly declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I had in mind."
Frantically he offers her a new house.
Again she rejects his offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind."
Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?"
She retorts, "I'd like a divorce."
He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."

George and Harry set out in a trans-Atlantic hot air balloon race. After 37 hours in the air and appearing lost, George offers, ''We had better lose some altitude Harry so we can see exactly where we are.''
Hesitantly, Harry lets some hot air out of the balloon, and it begins to slowly descend below the cloud cover. Still confused as to their exact location George again offers, ''I still can't tell where we are Harry, let's ask that gentleman down there on the ground.''
Harry yells down to the stranger, ''Hey, Mister can you tell us where we are?''
''You're in a balloon about 100 feet up in the air,'' came the reply.
''That man must be a lawyer,'' George quipped. ''How can you tell?'' said Harry.
''Because the advice he just gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless!''

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, more...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After he gets his beer
he calls the bartender, and asks him if he's a gambling man.
"It depends," replies the bartender.
"What if I told that I have $100 that says I can bite my own
ear?"
"Bulls@#t!"
So the man takes out his false teeth, and clamps them onto his
ear.
The bartender was pretty P. O. d when he saw that, but he still
gave him the $100.
Then the man tells the bartender that it really wasn't fair of
him to make that bet, since the bartender didn't realize that he had
false teeth, so he offers the bartender a chance to win back his money.
He offers the bartender double or nothing that he can bite his own eye
without removing his false teeth.
"Sure," agrees the bartender, thinking to himself,' there's no
way anybody can bite their own eye.'
Then the man proceeds to remove his glass eye, and bites it.
The more...

There is a man in a hospital that thinks he will die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish.
"Nurse," he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Krustchov." (you know a President of the ex USSR who was fat and had no hair on his head).
"Nikita Krustchov? But he is dead for a long time," says the nurse.
"I don't care. I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!"
The nurse doesn't know what to do. Then she thinks of something. As the man did not wear his glasses, the nurse takes out of her bra her beautiful breast and offers it to the man. He holds it, caresses it, and is very moved.
"Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend! How happy I am to see you again!" he says.
He keeps kissing the breast. The begins enjoying the whole situation.
"What about kissing president Eisenhower's head?" she asks.
"Yes! Is he here too?" the man more...

Someone who thinks logically offers a nice contrast to the real world.