Oldest Jokes / Recent Jokes

On a farm out in the country, lived a man and a woman and their
three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke. While looking out the window toward the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
The oldest son woke to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he reached the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four
times, he was simply unable to get it up more...

A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession.
The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that."
The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!"
The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen... who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"

...about the doctor, engineer, and programmer who were debating what the
world's oldest profession was (other than the obvious one)? The doctor
said that medicine was the oldest because the Lord performed surgery in
the removal of Adam's rib. The engineer countered that before that act,
the Lord had performed feats of engineering by creating the earth and
heavens from nothing.
The doctor conceded that the engineer was right and that engineering was
indeed the oldest profession. But then the programmer interjected that
programming was even older. He was chided by both the doctor and the
engineer saying that engineering had to be the oldest, because before the
Lord engineered the earth and heavens, there was nothing, only the Great
Void, only Chaos!
The programmer simply smiled and said:
"Where do you think the Chaos came from?"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oldest Son!
Oldest Son who?
Oldest Son shines bright on my old Kentucky home...!

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So more...

Found in the Mexican state of Veracruz, archaeologists say this slab of stone is the oldest script ever discovered in the Western Hemisphere. (14 inches long, 8 inches wide and 5 inches thick.)
Scientists were chagrined when upon disciphering the relic, it turned out to be a flier for "Troglo-bites," a primitive strip club in downtown Veracruz. The cave closed in approximately 900 B.C. due to complaints from neighborhood residents and the fact the dollar bill was not invented yet.

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS the midst of 1995s weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you! I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she more...