Once Jokes / Recent Jokes

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.

Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness more...

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." — Emo Philips

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Funniest one-liner
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having more...

One day a priest saw a young boy was playing baseball by himself and stop to watch!
The boy threw the ball and swung he missed and said Fuck I missed, and repeated this once more!
The priest then decided to tell the to stop cursing by say: Young man if you swear once more the sky will darken and lightning shall strike down and strike you dead!
The boy thought whatever
So again he picked up his bat and threw the ball and missed and said Fuck I missed! Then just like the priest said the sky darkened and lighting struck and all of the sudden heard a loud voice say Fuck I missed!

Three youngsters are having hot discussion, about whose father is the tallest one.
The first one said, "My father is just like statue of Liberty. Your hat will fall off if you look at him"
The second one does not want to loose the discussion. He added, "That's nothing! You can not see my father's hands, when he stands up and waves. They vanish in the clouds".
The third one, a born winner in the discussion, confidently added, "Did your father's hands feel something, when he was waving in the clouds?"
The second one replied confidently that he is going to win the discussion, "Why, certainly, he once told me his hands felt something up in the clouds and he tried to pull that."
The third one said, "That something was my father's under pant. He once complained that they are being pulled by someone while standing."

Q: What would you get if you crossed Halloween with Independence day?
A: The Fourth of Ghoul-ly!
Q: Why were the trick-or-treaters wearing grass skirts?
A: Because it was Hulaween!
Q: Where does a vampire keep his Easter candy?
A: In his Easter casket!
Q: How does a monster begin a fairy tale?
A: "Once upon a slime..."
Q: What's worse than a vampire with a toothache?
A: A skeleton with arthritis!
Q: What happened when the ghost disappeared in the fog?
A: He was mist.
Q: Where's the most dangerous place to go trick-or-treating?
A: On the psycho path!
Q: Did you hear about the really stupid horror movie?
A: It was shudder nonsense!
Q: Did you hear about the Egyptian monster who was a terrible driver?
A: He was a crash mummy!
Q: Did you hear about the starving vampire?
A: He was all gums!
Q: Why is it tough to compete against a vampire?
A: Because they're always out for more...