Open Jokes / Recent Jokes

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful?'"
His reply was, "The drugs are wearing off!"

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens."It opens at noon" answers the clerk.About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker."What time does the bar open?" he asks."Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.""No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

If you do, here's a preview of the READ ME FIRST page
Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.
Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (c). You'll notice immediately that
"98" is a higher number than "95"
a better than 3 percent increase.
But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, (if there are any of course).
Among the improvements:
faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models),
enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality,
smoother handling,
less knocking and pinging,
an more...

The following are actual signs found on church property.

"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for St. Joseph`s Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the more...

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

One Point Dares:Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."
Don't use any punctuation.
Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen. Three Point Dares:Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
Every time you more...