Open Jokes / Recent Jokes

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to
the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to
wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used
his hands. When he got back to class his teacher
asked, "What do you have in your hand."The boy
said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand
he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principals office and
the principal asked him, "What do you have in
your hand."
So the little boy said, "a little leprechaun and
if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was sent home and his mom asked him "What do
you have in your hand."
So the little boy said, "a little leprechaun and
if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was sent to his room and his dad came in and
said, "What do you have in your hand."
So again the little boy said, "A little
leprechaun and if I open my more...

Once An American, A Chinese And Santa Were Passing Through The Thar Desert In A Same Car. But In The Middle Of The Desert, Their Car Breaks Down. They Think Of Walking Through The Desert And Leave The Car Behind. American: I Will Take The Water Bottle. When I Get Thirsty, I Will Drink Water. Chinese: I Will Take The Seat. When I Get Tired, I Will Sit On It. Santa: I Will Take The Door Of The Car. When It Is Too Hot I Will Open The Window!!!

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's more...

A solution to all of your drinking troubles
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another more...

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says, "We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive."The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, "God Save The Queen," and jumps.The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, "Viva La France," and he also jumps.This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, "Remember the Alamo," and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

There was an english man, who was singing "There was a cold day", whilst having a shit in cinema toilets.
Our Banta walks by and hears him singing "There was a cold day, There was a cold day" he slam's the door wide open.
The englishman in a shock say's, "What the bloody hell are u doin ?"
Banta replied, "Oh, sorry! I thought you ar saying, darwaza khol deyh (open the door)."

A first grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer
any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade more...