Opening Jokes / Recent Jokes

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." "Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, more...

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

: 1. Is this the NKOTB reunion concert?

2. Does anyone know what state Lance is from?

3. Joey's Hoe #56

4. All the fellas in the house, lemme hear ya say Boom Shaka Laka Boom!

5. This Song Sucks! (and hold it up at the beginning of every song, or even better, hold it up when they're talking)

6. This girl has B.O. (with an arrow pointing to the person next to you)

7. I hate baby blue!

8. I actually like Joey actually

9. I'll Lay Down Beside You AJ!

10. Steve Fatone is HOT! (just a quick way to get yourself on the big screen)

11. What up, J-Dawg? Just wanted to make you feel welcome, yo.

12. Justin & Britney 4-Ever

13. Why don't you guys ever sing "The Hardest Thing?"

14. Hey JC! Where's Bobbi?

15. I made this poster just in case you guys forgot what you looked like (and tape a bunch of teeny posters on it)

16. more...

In the words of Albert Einstien "There are two things infinite; the universe and human stupidity," if this doesn't prove one of them, I am not sure what will. (Oh, and let me tell you, this doesn't prove anything about the universe)
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE
BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL more...

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30AM, the store's opening time. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit and then thrown to the end of the line again.As he got up the second time, he complained to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"

Customer: "I've been ringing your call centre on 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the travel centre."
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Noting that he needed a haircut before his meeting the following day, he called the desk clerk and asked if they had a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid we don't, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purpose."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, stuck his head in the opening, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. A few seconds later, the salesman pulled his head out and surveyed it in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he had ever had.
Proceeding down the hall, he saw another machine with a sign that read: Manicures - 50 cents. "Why not," thought the salesman. He put his money in the slot, inserted his hands, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine he saw had a huge sign that read: This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away more...