Opportunities Jokes / Recent Jokes
Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994
1. Introduction
The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.
2. Food
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...
Very Short Books...1) Outdoor activities in Chernobyl2) Hot Scenic Real-estate opportunities on top of Mt St. Helens3) Investment opportunities in worm futures for the deceased4) Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet5) Defensive Driving tips for the Blind6) Contraceptive tips for Nuns7) Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus8) Mutual Fund Investment strategies for compulsive gamblers9) Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians10) GreenPeace Guide for Buying Quality Baby Seal coats11) GreenPeace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes12) Jewish and Arab Friendship Customs13) Human Rights organizations in Libya14) Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba15) Applying for Tibetan Vendors Permits16) Applying for Flight Clearance over The White House17) Guide to Redneck Gay Bars18) Guide to NeoNazis Jewish Friendship Centers19) Famous Native American Judges, Senators and Presidents20) Famous Black Canadian Hockey Players21) Famous Hillbilly Physics22) Guide to apply for Pan Handling Permit more...
It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" "Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if more...
Very Short Books...
1) Outdoor activities in Chernobyl 2) Hot Scenic Real-estate opportunities on top of Mt St. Helens 3) Investment opportunities in worm futures for the deceased 4) Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet 5) Defensive Driving tips for the Blind 6) Contraceptive tips for Nuns 7) Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus 8) Mutual Fund Investment strategies for compulsive gamblers 9) Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians 10) GreenPeace Guide for Buying Quality Baby Seal coats 11) GreenPeace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes 12) Jewish and Arab Friendship Customs 13) Human Rights organizations in Libya 14) Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba 15) Applying for Tibetan Vendors Permits 16) Applying for Flight Clearance over The White House 17) Guide to Redneck Gay Bars 18) Guide to NeoNazis Jewish Friendship Centers 19) Famous Native American Judges, Senators and Presidents 20) Famous Black Canadian Hockey Players 21) Famous Hillbilly Physics 22) Guide to more...
Very Short Books...
1) Outdoor activities in Chernobyl
2) Hot Scenic Real-estate opportunities on top of Mt St. Helens
3) Investment opportunities in worm futures for the deceased
4) Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet
5) Defensive Driving tips for the Blind
6) Contraceptive tips for Nuns
7) Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus
8) Mutual Fund Investment strategies for compulsive gamblers
9) Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians
10) GreenPeace Guide for Buying Quality Baby Seal coats
11) GreenPeace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes
12) Jewish and Arab Friendship Customs
13) Human Rights organizations in Libya
14) Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba
15) Applying for Tibetan Vendors Permits
16) Applying for Flight Clearance over The White House
17) Guide to Redneck Gay Bars
18) Guide to NeoNazis Jewish Friendship Centers
19) Famous Native American Judges, Senators and Presidents
20) Famous more...
ARES (March 21 to April 19):
Chickens born under the sign of Ares are natural leaders possessing a pioneering determined spirit, who wish to make their mark on the world. They cross the road to assert themselves and seek action, daring and adventure.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20):
Taurus chickens are strong willed and have a down to earth attitude toward life. They are overly interested in material things and have a real need for security. They feel unsettled unless comfortable. They will cross only if there is more security on the other side or to obtain material possessions.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20):
They are highly restless and are always seeking a wide variety of contrasting experiences. They cross because they do not know what is on the other side and to avoid the boredom of their mundane existence.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22):
While having a tough shell-like exterior, Cancer chickens are very sensitive and vulnerable. They have very delicate emotions, more...