Oranges Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one
hand and four apples and three oranges in the other
hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an
elephant with one hand.
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Problems, He sleeps at night.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, teacher. Snakes don't have feet.
HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."
ELLEN: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program. "There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning," he snapped. "Wouldn't it be better to hear one at a time?" voice shouted, "Okay
-you start."
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA: A new bike.
TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many more...

84 Ways to Know If You`re Chinese 1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year. 2. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off. 3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out. 4. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table. 5. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil. 6. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it. 7. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time. 8. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack. 9. You have never used your dishwasher. 10. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times. 11. You boil water and put it in the refrigerator. 12. You eat all meals in the kitchen. 13. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers. 14. You use grocery bags to hold garbage. 15. You always leave your shoes at the door. 16. You have a piano in your living more...

An inventor goes into a bank and asks the Banker for a loan to help him maufacture a new product. The Banker tells him he needs to see the product, first.
The man pulls a small envelope out of his pocket and empties the contents, an orange powder, onto the desk. "That's my invention!" "You dump this onto a womans pussy and it makes it taste like ORANGES! FRESH SQUEEZED ORANGES! He shouts.
The banker is not impressed. He says, "That's obscene, I won't loan the banks money on something like that! GET OUT!
The inventor leaves, but the next week he's back and makes a $5,000 deposit. The next day he deposits $10,000. The thrid day it's $20,000. The banker sees this and apologizes to the man.
The inventor tells him, "No, you where right! I was wrong. You straightened me out. I've come up with someting much better and I owe it all to you! That's why I using your bank!"
The banker asks what his new invention is. The guy smiles and pulls out more...

This is what the Cockney alphabet looks like:
AlexB
A for 'Orses ('ay for 'orses)
B for Mutton (Beef or Mutton)
C for Miles (see for miles)
D for Ential (Differential)
E for Brick ('Eave a Brick)
F for Vessence (Effervescence)
G for Get It (Gee, forget it!)
H for Bless You (Aitsshfa! A sneeze)
I for The Engine (Ivor the Engine)
J for Oranges (Jaffa Oranges)
K for Restaurant (Cafe or Restaurant)
L for Leather ('Ell for Leather)
M for Sis (Emphasis)
N for Lope (Envelope)
O for The Garden Wall (Over the Garden Wall)
P for Relief (??)
Q for a Bus (Queue for a Bus)
R for Mo ('alf a Mo)
S for Rantzen (Esther Rantzen)
T for Two (Tea for Two)
U for Me (You for Me)
V for La France (Vive la France)
W for the Winnings (Double you for the Winnings)
X for Breakfast (Eggs for Breakfast)
Y for Husband (Wife or Husband)
Z for Wind (Zephyr Wind)