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In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:

Exposure

A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised "creaminess"

Radiation

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began more...

There was this hooker who mistook a Salvation Army man fora soldier and propositioned him. The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"The hooker replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But ifit's "really" original, it'll cost you an extra $20."

Boucher`s Observation: He who blows his own horn always plays the music several octaves higher than originally written.

Bove`s Theorem: The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.

Boyle`s Laws: (1) The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination. (2) When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally. (3) The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs. (4) Information travels more surely to those with a lessor need to know. (5) An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original. (6) When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly. (7) The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file. (8) Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan. (9) Performance is directly affected by the more...

After a venerable career of endless, stellar successes the greatest director who ever lived is in his prime and preparing for his most ambitious project ever when he unexpectedly dies and is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate.
"So sorry about your untimely death," he tells the director. "But God himself has called you home. You see, God wants you to direct a movie for Him."
The great man is humbled, "God wants ME to direct a film?"
"Yes," St. Peter tells him. "And we've arranged to have the best of everything made available to you. For example, the script is by William Shakespeare."
The director is stunned, "An original screenplay by William Shakespeare?"
"Yes," St. Peter assures him, "And it's his greatest work ever."
"Wow!" says the Director, awe struck.
"Your Production Designer will be Michaelangelo. We've got Leonardo Da Vinci doing more...

A priest dies and goes to heaven. There, he is met by a reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading Version" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the priest huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An "R"! They left out the' R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the priest sobs again, "It's the letter "R". .. the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent' Easy Reading' to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library.

The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself, and muttering,' An' R'! The scribes left out the' R'.'

A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again,' It's the letter' R'. They left out the' R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!'

A teacher is reviewing her class homework assignments. She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated. Susie stands up. Shuffles her feet and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you." The teacher says, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated." Johnny says, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light." The teacher says, "That's right, Johnny." Then she turns to Susie and says, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."