Ounce Jokes / Recent Jokes

Don't mess with this old lady
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says...
"Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!"

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator, in a very lavish New York City Office Building.

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume, turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets in the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over and farts, announcing "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I. Q. 20 points. After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate. "That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive." "Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars." "Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?" "Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to kill?"

A haggard old lady was riding in a posh hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on, smelling divine. She says arrogantly to the old lady, ''Georgio, $100 an ounce''. On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling lovely as well. She turns to the two other women and says, ''Chanel, $150 an ounce.'' The old lady's floor is approaching and as the doors open, she looks at the two young ladies, bends over, farts and says, ''Broccoli, 49 cents a pound.''

A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, “This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive? ” The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains? ”

The clerk showed the guy the store's most expensive perfume.
"This is called 'Perhaps,'" said the sales clerk.
"It's $285 per ounce."
"Listen," the guy shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called, "You Can Bet Your Happy ASS You'll Get Some!"

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:

"How much for Engineer brain?"

"3 dollars an ounce."

"How much for doctor brain?"

"4 dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"100 dollars an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"