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TRAVELLER'S TALES
 
 
IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX MONASTERY:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
  composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS:
 "Visitors are expected to complain at the officebetween the hours of 9 and 11 a. m. daily."
IN A JAPANESE HOTEL:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE:
Ladies are requested not to have childrenin the bar.
AT A BUDAPEST ZOO:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have anysuitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
IN A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN TOURIST AGENCY:
Take one of our horse-driven citytours. We guarantee no more...

ODE TO A CLONE
By John Scalzi

(This originally appeared in America Online's "Howdy" area on March 6th.)

Oh clone, my clone, how can you bear it
To exist knowing you have only one parent?
No zygote you, when haploid cells met
You were produced with a full chromosome set.
And now I can see that you are confused
To discover your genes have arrived slightly used.
To answer your questions is the aim of this poem
You who are like me, my clone, oh my clone.

You were not produced from between sweaty sheets
In fact, you arose from cells scraped off of my cheek.
Your genes gently placed in an egg we provided
And then shocked with a current until they divided.
You sat there a while till it was time to fish
That thing that was you from that petri dish.
(And though it may seem churlish at this time to mention,
we suspect that the dish had post-partum depression).

Oh more...

'Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were more...

Moments before a famous Shakespearean actor was to perform Hamlet to a packed house in New York, he dropped dead. The house manager solemnly went onstage and announced, "We are sorry to bring you this news, but our performance tonight has been canceled due to the untimely demise of our featured performer."
From the back of the theater a voice cried out, "Give him some chicken soup!"
Startled, the stage manager cleared his throat and replied, "I apologize if in my grief I have not made my solemn message clear. The man is deceased."
Once again, but more emphatically the voice rang out, "Give him some chicken soup!"
Having had about enough, the manager bellowed back, "Sir, the man is dead. Giving him chicken soup couldn't possibly help."
To which the voice replied, "It couldn't hurt!"

* At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist. * At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. * On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy * In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. * On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship. * On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs. * In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

There's the story of a newly rich Punjabi couple who, having come into money, were forever boasting of their acquisitions: a brand new imported car (not a second-hand one), video-cassettes, hi-fi original paintings.' And, of course, our food is always cooked in ash ghee,' said the wife proudly,' no dalda shalda in our kitchen.' Once while holidaying at Juhu Beach in Mumbai, the husband went out of his depth and was just saved from drowning. A doctor was quickly summoned.' Nothing to worry,' exclaimed the medico,' I will give him artificial respiration and he will be all right in a jiffy.'' No you won't,' said the wife.' For my husband it Will have to be real respiration or nothing.'

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.' Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied,' I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?'' Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.' No, just this remote' thingy,'' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,' Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk.'

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Tech Support:' What does the screen say now.'

Person:' It says,' Hit ENTER when ready'.'

Tech Support:' Well?'

Person:' How do I know more...