Our Jokes / Recent Jokes

Why it's better to be a Woman! 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. 3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. 4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 5. We can cry and get off speeding fines. 6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game. 7. Taxis stop for us. 8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies. .. (you get the point). 11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. 12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay. 13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. 15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. 16. If more...

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me.. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are some one and you want to talk to any one! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan, our brother, is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm more...

Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen. Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is' Microsoft'?"Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called' Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"Data "Yes, Captain. But when' Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an' upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially more...

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
how the tinsel was scattered! and twigs by the thous-
and. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care-
They were skewered with ten-penny nails, to be fair.
The children, God bless them, were snug in their beds,
With clothesline to anchor the ankles and heads.
The Wife in her housecoat, and I clad alike,
Had gone to cellar to get the new bike,
When from a dark corner arose such a clatter
I felt a strong urge to forget the whole matter.
The wife said go over and open the door;
I grabbed a stout cudgel and crept' cross the floor
And gingerly peered through the glass to behold
A wee red-suited man, turning blue with cold.
Suppressing my dire thoughts of a communist trick,
I flung wide the portal, admitting..... St. Nick!
Poor Santa came in stamping snow from his feet
And cursing cold weather and all central heat.
"Your chimney's more...

A GUJJU FAMILY IN GUJARAT WAS PUZZLED WHEN THE COFFIN OF THEIR DEAD MOTHER ARRIVED FROM THE US. IT WAS SENT BY ONE OF THE DAUGHTERS.
THE DEAD BODY WAS SO TIGHTLY SQUEEZED INSIDE THE COFFIN, WITH NO SPACE LEFT IN IT. WHEN THEY OPENED THE LID, THEY FOUND A LETTER ON TOP, WHICH READ AS FOLLOWS:
DEAR BROTHERS AND SISTERS,
I AM SENDING OUR MOTHER'S BODY TO YOU, SINCE IT WAS HER WISH THAT SHE SOULD BE CREMATED IN THE COMPOUND OF OUR ANCESTRAL HOME IN GUJRAT. SORRY, I COULD NOT COME ALONG AS ALL OF MY PAID LEAVES ARE CONSUMED.
YOU WILL FIND INSIDE THE COFFIN, UNDER BA'S BODY, 12 CANS OF CHEESE, 10 PACKETS OF CHOCOLATES AND 8 PACKETS OF BADAM. PLEASE DIVIDE THESE AMONG ALL OF YOU.
ON BA'S FEET YOU WILL FIND A NEWPAIR OF REEBOK SHOES (SIZE 10) FOR MOHAN. ALSO, THERE ARE 2 PAIRS OF SHOES FOR RADHA'S AND LAKSHMI'S SONS.
HOPE THE SIZES ARE CORRECT. BA IS WEARING 6 AMERICAN T-SHIRTS. THE LARGE SIZE IS FOR MOHAN AND THE OTHERS ARE FOR MY NEPHEWS. JUST DISTRIBUTE THEM more...

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage's,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
BARMEN.

POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemispheresummer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of thereligious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions ofothers, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medicallyuncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, andwithout regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, sexual orientation or choice of computer platform andoperating system of the wishee. By accepting more...