Own Jokes / Recent Jokes

A police recruit was asked on an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
In the blank, he wrote, "Call for backup."

Here's some advice Bill Gates dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they would not learn in school. He talked about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
RULE 1
Life is not fair-get used to it.
RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
RULE 6
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your more...

THE SETTING: A Scottish old-timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier- Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya mess around more...

1. Economists are armed and dangerous: “Watch out for our invisible hands. ” 2. Economists can supply it on demand. 3. You can talk about money without every having to make any. 4. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out. 5. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there. 6. If you rearrange the letters in “ECONOMICS”, you get “COMIC NOSE”. 7. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue. 8. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility. 9. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.

Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it.

Talks to plants on their own level.

Team player... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own.

Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin

The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason

The butter slipped off his noodle.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.

The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.

The going got weird, and he turned pro.

The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.

The perfect personality to write software manuals.

The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.

The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.

The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.

you have no time for a life from August to June.
you want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"
when out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
you refer to adults as "boys and girls."
you encourage your spouse by telling them they are a "good helper."
you've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.
meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
you believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.
you know hundred good reasons for being late.
you don't want children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.

This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions: You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you more...