Pack Jokes / Recent Jokes
Copied from someone who definitely has too much time on their hands:
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species more...
Ever since he first saw James Bond take off in "Thunderball", it has been Troy Widgery's dream to build a "spectacular flying machine".
Apparently, he has succeeded. When asked about the technology that enables this method of human flight, Troy replied "It's basically what it looks like. Two giant upside-down Coca-Cola bottles shaken vigorously and then opened."
Desiring faster, higher and longer flights, Troy's company, Jet Pack International, have completed successful trials by using Diet Coke and adding multiple Menthos.
click here for Jet Pack International's website
A wife comes in and yells, ''Honey, pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!'' Her husband yells back, ''Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?'' The wife replies, ''I don't care! Just get the hell out!''
Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"... Bad girls say, "what’s for breakfast?"
Good girls never go after another girl’s man... Bad girls go after him AND his brother.
Good girls wear white cotton panties... Bad girls don’t wear any.
Good girls wax their floors... Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot... Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls make chicken for dinner... Bad girls make reservations
Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies... Bad girls
know they could do better
Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss... Bad girls never do either, unless he’s very, very rich.
Good girls believe they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls... Bad girls believe that they are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.
Good girls love Italian food... Bad girls love Italian waiters.
Good girls prefer the more...
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."
The pilot on a small plane announced that the plane was going to crash and it's every man for himself. The pilot and co-pilot then grabbed two parachutes and jumped out of the plane. The four passengers, an old priest, a 10 year old boy, a brain surgeon and an attorney, ran to the storage area for the remaining parachutes -- there were only three left.
The brain surgeon said, "There is only one other doctor in the world that can perform the type of surgery I do, and I can save thousands of lives, I'm too needed to die" -- so he grabbed a pack and jumped.
The attorney then pushed aside the priest and the 10 year old, grabbed a pack and explained, "Since I am an attorney, my life should be saved because I have superior knowledge and intelligence and am very much needed to advise all the thousands of people less brillant than me", and then he jumped.
The old priest turned to the young boy and said, "Son, take the last parachute, I have had a full more...
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.' 'Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes.' 'I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said,' 'if only I could find my parakeet.''